beginnings

I remember when I first became a Christian. Those first few minutes, sat in my old living room still seem so recent. I can still remember everything about that moment. The feelings, the connection with God, the realisation that all my walls had been blown away in a heartbeat and that Jesus had always been with me. Knowing that he always would be with me.
I can still feel the buzz of excitement that I felt at that very moment. I still find it hard to describe just how it felt. Im not going to try and tie it all up with a nice neat metaphor. Im not a good enough writer for that. What I can do though is try to explain how it felt, heartbeat to heartbeat.

Even though I had tried to fight God for years he most certainly never ever gave up on me. As hard as I tried to avoid Christians he just kept throwing more and more at me. My High School best mate was/is a strong Christian and would invite me along to youth groups, which I would attend and despite my best efforts, enjoy.
In my first year at University I somehow managed to form really strong bonds with about 10 Christians who lived near me, one of which sent me a Bible months before I decided to let God in. Talk about a show of faith. During my first year at University we would stay up for hours, me and my Christian friends, as I aimed questions at them that I knew they wouldn't be able to answer. Though I didn't recognise it at the time, God was teaching me about life as a Christian even then.
These God-chats continued for months and months. I began to realise that try as I might I was tying myself up in knots. I had no answers and I was going no where. What's more was that I realised a sick part of me was trying to convince my friends that what they believed was wrong and that they were far better off living like me.
Slowly, very slowly I began to admit to myself that I was searching. I wanted to believe in something. I wanted a purpose.
You would have thought that I would have found my answer there and that I would have accepted God right then. Unfortunately and as you probably already know, my head is extremely thick. I took far more work than that.
No, instead I began a quest to discover God, whoever he was, where ever he was. In a nutshell I became focused on the search, focused on me putting in the effort and deserving a positive outcome. Clearly I had no concept of grace at that point.
I would go back to my Christian friends angry. I was frustrated that even though I was trying my hardest I simply could not find God. He wasn't answering me and I wanted to know why. My friends tried their hardest to calm me down with stories of Gods perfect timing but at that point I was still far more interested in my own timing(this is still something I haven't completely set down either!) than His.

Wow. At this point the whole thing looks pretty bleak. Keep in mind that this whole process took about a year and a half. I'm not the kind of guy who deals well with slow results. I often want immediate response. Again, God was teaching me even then.

Now, onto the good stuff. Back to that golden moment.
At the time I was living with three fantastic Christian guys. All very solid. All in leadership roles at their Churches. Sometimes I felt a little like their non-christian project. I guess in some small way I was a little bit but, whatever the intention I am so glad I was there with them. I wouldn't be writing this otherwise.
Anyway, this one particular day I was somehow alone in the house, sitting in the living room, watching some T.V. I wasn't thinking about God, the bible, or any of that stuff. I was tired from searching and not getting anywhere. In a sense I was giving up. Nothing was worth getting so annoyed about.

Then it all happened and my life completely changed.

My journeying with God suddenly snapped into my focus. I was still in my living room but I could have been anywhere in the world. I felt more aware of everything around me than I ever had done before. The best way to describe it is that everything changed from black and white to full colour in a fraction of a second.
It was in that moment that God spoke to me for the first time. He told me to put it all down. He wasn't specific. He knew what I had to put down. He knew my heart. He knew me better than I knew myself and in that moment I knew it. I believed it. There was no question in my head, no doubt at all.

I let go.

As my senses expanded I could feel questions, walls, blocks, all kinds of things falling away from me. They were gone. Every stupid thing that I had placed an importance on, everything I put in front of God was washed away in seconds. It was then that I realised I was back in my living room. I felt completely different. I still feel completely different now. I think it was in that moment that God blessed me with spiritual discernment, not that I really understood it then. Not that I completely understand it now.
I honestly didn't know what to do in the first few hours after that. I guess I was feeling a mix of mind blowing excitement, sheer panic, and the need to go and shout about what had just happened to me to anyone I could find. I remember being really annoyed that my housemates were all out at that point.
Thankfully though God was wrapping me up tight. After the initial rush of emotions His peace came over me and I was able to accept my new life easier than anything I had ever experienced before.
I remember sitting down with my housemates Si and Andy and telling them what I now know to be my testimony. I still love telling this story. I think God loves me telling this story too. I just wish I could do it justice. No matter how much I try to pour into it I still fall so far short from expressing everything that was my first meeting with God.

I am blown away by what God did for me in that moment. Writing this I am stunned again at the enormity of the gift he gave me. I grew up with my back turned towards God. I spent 19 years trying to ignore him for it all to change in a matter of minutes. I know I will always remember my first meeting with God. I also think I know why I met him when I did. I think it's been important for me to experience life without God. I don't think I would be able to fully understand what life with God is really all about if I hadn't spent 19 years running away from him. I think I'm meant to reach the unchurched, the people turned away from religion and who are running away from God. The people that are looking but are too focused on the search. Above all I want to be what my friends at University were. I want to be there to listen. To speak the Gospel from the heart into the heart.

I want people to experience all that God is. I want people to be completely transformed and do you know what the most exciting part of all this is? It's that I know that it will happen. It's happening right now.

Man, I love my life.