If you're not scared you're not paying attention

"If you're not scared, you're not paying attention."
What do you think? Agree? Disagree?
I've stolen this quote from Dr Bailey, a character from Grey's Anatomy. She said it during a season finale when everything was going to hell. People were dying, she was stressed out and everything was pretty bleak. This quote resonated with me so much so that I realised that it had to be the opening and semi-focus to this blog post.

We Christians should be scared a lot of the time. Not scared in a hide it out under the bed till the monsters go away kind of scared. More so a 'if i don't do anything about this then the result is going to be pretty damn scary' kinda way.

I can't think of anyone who could disagree with this statement. It doesn't take much to pick up a newspaper, read a news report on the Internet or to turn on one of the many news channels on TV right now. I bet if you stopped reading this right now, went over to the TV and turned to one of the news channels that within 10 minutes, a story would begin which would by the time its over make you feel scared, concerned, worried or angry. Disagree? Go watch the news.

You're back(or never left!). In that case I am assuming that we are agreed then that the world is not exactly at its best right now. Fortunately, for both you and for me, I am not going to present my 5 point plan to fix the world. I could try, but I would fail miserably. Thankfully someone far greater, far wiser and far braver than I could ever dream to be has got that in hand and sooner or later, He's going to be back to fix the mess we have made.

defensiveVSoffensive
I think that we harness the fear that the world heaps on us in two different ways. One for the good, one for the bad. One for the pro active, one for the passive.

hide it out under the bed till the monsters go away

The world is full of monsters. Big ugly attacks from the enemy that strike people down with horrific results are happening every single second all over the Earth. People are persecuted, battered, bruised, broken, shaken, terrified and destroyed.
The evil that follows each and everyone of us around, stalking us, is ever present in today's society, at times glaringly obvious for all to see, at other times hidden,hiding just below our consciousness. Readying the attack.
Sound pretty bleak to you? Ain't that just wonderful?
I'm not making light of our present circumstance. Far from it. I quite often find my self hiding from monsters. Hiding it out under my metaphorical bed, waiting for them to pass me by.
The problem that I find myself in is that I often let my fear keep me from breaking free from the oppression of the enemy. I allow the lie that 'I can't make a difference' to nestle into my mind and calm me down. How clever of our enemy to construct a lie that not only talks to all of our insecurities but also allows us to achieve a degree of hollow peace. Of course I can't do anything. I'm one man, living a simple little life. I can't stop these monsters, so why bother. Sound familiar? It should. We all do it. In fact we probably do it daily. No, I'm not talking about preventing a global catastrophe, a famine, a vicious attack, a natural disaster. I'm talking about stopping the enemy in his tracks, Not allowing the hold that the broken world has on our individual lives to take root any more. We all have our own monsters that are present in our little part of this broken world. Each of us have our own fears, oppressions, dissatisfaction, bullies and lies that we let control us. How many of us can say, hand on heart that we have conquered all our monsters? Can anyone truly say that they never tuck themselves up in a blanket, hidden under their bed as the monster of the moment tramples through their life?

if I don't do anything about this then the result is going to be pretty damn scary

One of the many amazing things that I am learning about God is that He can completely transform every single action, thought, lie and attack of the enemy into something not only beautiful but wholly GOOD. There is nothing that the enemy can fling at us that God can not transform. There is no weed that can not be transformed into a beautiful and towering Sun flower. Don't misinterpret what I am saying. I am not insinuating that if we are attentive to God that our lives will be free of pain and anguish. Far from it. It takes but a second to flick through the bible to see that a life of complete and utter bliss is impossible. A broken world leads to a broken people. I am saying that we do not need to be crippled by our pain. Faith in God allows us to stand tall whilst our legs are turning to jelly as we tell the lies to go away. Faith in God means that we can recognise the monsters in our lives and trust that He will help us to destroy them. As I type this I can already feel myself thinking that it all looks to easy. THAT IS ANOTHER LIE! The 'truths' that the lies speak hold us back and keep us hiding under our beds. A smarter person may be able to tell you how to speak against the lies. The best suggestion I can offer is to allow God to train you in discernment. Do this by spending time in prayer and reading the bible. Allow your God given sense of right and wrong to take a hold of you. Read C.S.Lewis's 'Screw Tape Letters.' Share the lies that the broken world has spoken over you with your closest friends, your small group, your LTG, whoever. One of the biggest lies that the enemy speaks into the world is that its degrading to be scared. This lie keeps us locked up in our heads, dwelling on the lies that cripple us and make us more afraid.
God wants us to be offensively scared. He knows what's at stake far more than we do. He wants his people to be aware that if they do not respond to the fear that the world places at their feet that they are not going to be able to fight back. What good is the armour of God if we do not know what to do with it? God has gifted us in more ways than we know. We are his children. We are better than this. We are born into a world of bondage and slavery yet God has been fighting for each and everyone of us from the day we were born. Often in church we talk about the battle that we are facing against the enemy. I never really stop to think about the battle that Jesus fought for me to become a Christian in the first place! I'm not talking about the great battle that he won on the cross, I'm talking about the battle he won for me a few years ago when he opened my eyes. While my side of my testimony is lovely, I wonder what his looks like? All the years that I was working against him he was fighting for me. Every stupid comment I made against him, he countered.
The enemy creates fear and feeds us the poison that makes us scared. God gives us the insight to recognise the fear and Jesus is the antidote to the poison of the enemy.
It is by paying attention to Jesus through prayer, reading scripture and supporting one another that we become equipped to stand tall, stare at what is scaring us square in the eyes, take steady steps closer towards it, lift the sword and destroy each lie one by one. We will be bruised, we will still be scared but we will be strong in Faith, Hope and Love. Jesus is our protection, our sword and shield. He will not blind us to our fear but he will strengthen our resolve, allow us to be offensively scared and attack the enemy in the heart of his lies.

I'm going to try my hardest over the next few week to pay more attention to the lies that threaten my life. I am also going to start to be more proactive with sharing what scares me with my closest friends. Baby steps, people, baby steps. God doesn't expect us to sprint to him, ignoring what we pass by. No, far from it. He expects us to walk slowly and surely towards him in faith, head held high.

Firefighters, soul seeking, pennies and pounds.

The strangest thing happened to me today at school. The reception class were having a visit from a group of firefighters today and my class were invited to go and meet them too as they didn't get the chance last year. Obviously, being the nice and kind teacher that I am, I decided to abandon our writing assessment to go see a fire engine. To be fair, I always loved Fireman Sam when I was their age, so I know how much I would have hated my teacher for keeping me from a real life fire engine.
We put our coats, hats, scarfs and gloves on and went outside to go meet these fire men, or fire fighters as they tell me they now have to be called. They laughed at this. I guess the whole political correctness gone mad syndrome stretches about as far as we can imagine. and then some.

So we get out there and the first fireman(fire fighter) that I see, just so happens to be a man who, as I have found out today, at one point dated my mother, but more so, was a man who I knew when I was tiny. The last time I saw this man I was either my classes age (6 years old) or younger. You can imagine how mortified I was to recognise him and even more so when I realised he recognised me! Apparently I haven't changed all that much in the last 18 years or so since he saw me last. The weirdest thing has stuck with me though since seeing John today after so long. I'm going to try my best to explain it. Bare with me.

As soon as I saw John, I felt exactly the same way I did when I had last seen him, which was, literally, years and years ago. I felt like I hadn't changed or grown up at all. I didn't feel or think that I was 6 years old. Its strange. I felt like me, in an ageless sense.

I often look at my class and think just how young they are and how much growing they have to do. I guess I look at them alot of the time and think that they have to be at school so that we can keep on unlocking more and more of that potential that they have wrapped up in their brains. I have come to realise that a lot of the time, we as adults try to dumb down children. This morning really highlighted that to me. As I was whisked back through the years, I realised that when I was little I wasn't dumb, or stupid, or in need of builiding. I needed building in an intelectual sense definitely, but not in a soul sense. I was born aware of who I was. Aware of other people. Aware of people's feelings. Aware of my feelings.

I think what happened to me this morning was a kind of cutting back of all the stuff that has been added to me by being in the world. Maybe a vale had been lifted up over my eyes and I could see clearer. Its very odd. Another way of describing it could be that I re-connected with my core or my soul, you pick a metaphor that works for you. It all means the same thing. Its that part of each of us that is so confounding, so crucial, so battered and mistreated. Its also that part of a person that connects directly with God.
I don't know about you, but I live for those moments when something happens, completely out of your control and you have to sit back and think 'damn, God is so good. How the heck did he manage that?' Those moments when the Holy Spirit is moving so strongly that something within your soul surges to connect with God. Those moments where you receive something from God and you can't question it. I am very blessed to have received many moments like that since God chose to open my eyes. Not that my eyes are completely open all the time. I often find myself looking at God through barely open eyes. squinting at him the way we all do when someone turns the light on first thing in the morning and our eyes have to adjust to the light. I think that those moments where we do truly connect with God are crucial and need to be recalled as often as possible. As I have already said, I often look at God with half shut eyes. It dulls my expectations of him and allows all kinds of negative emotions to begin to play out. I even came close to convincing myself that I couldn't receive from God at all. If we do not strive to look at God through open eyes then how will we ever hope to actually grasp what he's doing and what he wants us to be doing?
This morning could have been just like any other Monday morning. I am so glad that it wasn't. An old family friend from years ago crops up out of the blue. Such a small insignificant moment really, but with such a huge fall-out. Something inside me has been re-ignited. I'd love to be able to strip back all the stuff that covers up my soul at will. Somehow I doubt it will happen.
Today God opened my eyes just that little bit more. It's funny really. The smallest thing in the world can have the largest impact on your soul. God doesn't only work through tears and tongues and physical healing. God works through everything. I've been reminded of a saying my dad used to say to me when I was still at the pocket money stage of life. "Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves." Maybe we need to focus more on those little, seemingly insignificant moments in life that really do matter, and trust in faith that God will, as always keep on providing in every single way he does.

till next time,

beginnings

I remember when I first became a Christian. Those first few minutes, sat in my old living room still seem so recent. I can still remember everything about that moment. The feelings, the connection with God, the realisation that all my walls had been blown away in a heartbeat and that Jesus had always been with me. Knowing that he always would be with me.
I can still feel the buzz of excitement that I felt at that very moment. I still find it hard to describe just how it felt. Im not going to try and tie it all up with a nice neat metaphor. Im not a good enough writer for that. What I can do though is try to explain how it felt, heartbeat to heartbeat.

Even though I had tried to fight God for years he most certainly never ever gave up on me. As hard as I tried to avoid Christians he just kept throwing more and more at me. My High School best mate was/is a strong Christian and would invite me along to youth groups, which I would attend and despite my best efforts, enjoy.
In my first year at University I somehow managed to form really strong bonds with about 10 Christians who lived near me, one of which sent me a Bible months before I decided to let God in. Talk about a show of faith. During my first year at University we would stay up for hours, me and my Christian friends, as I aimed questions at them that I knew they wouldn't be able to answer. Though I didn't recognise it at the time, God was teaching me about life as a Christian even then.
These God-chats continued for months and months. I began to realise that try as I might I was tying myself up in knots. I had no answers and I was going no where. What's more was that I realised a sick part of me was trying to convince my friends that what they believed was wrong and that they were far better off living like me.
Slowly, very slowly I began to admit to myself that I was searching. I wanted to believe in something. I wanted a purpose.
You would have thought that I would have found my answer there and that I would have accepted God right then. Unfortunately and as you probably already know, my head is extremely thick. I took far more work than that.
No, instead I began a quest to discover God, whoever he was, where ever he was. In a nutshell I became focused on the search, focused on me putting in the effort and deserving a positive outcome. Clearly I had no concept of grace at that point.
I would go back to my Christian friends angry. I was frustrated that even though I was trying my hardest I simply could not find God. He wasn't answering me and I wanted to know why. My friends tried their hardest to calm me down with stories of Gods perfect timing but at that point I was still far more interested in my own timing(this is still something I haven't completely set down either!) than His.

Wow. At this point the whole thing looks pretty bleak. Keep in mind that this whole process took about a year and a half. I'm not the kind of guy who deals well with slow results. I often want immediate response. Again, God was teaching me even then.

Now, onto the good stuff. Back to that golden moment.
At the time I was living with three fantastic Christian guys. All very solid. All in leadership roles at their Churches. Sometimes I felt a little like their non-christian project. I guess in some small way I was a little bit but, whatever the intention I am so glad I was there with them. I wouldn't be writing this otherwise.
Anyway, this one particular day I was somehow alone in the house, sitting in the living room, watching some T.V. I wasn't thinking about God, the bible, or any of that stuff. I was tired from searching and not getting anywhere. In a sense I was giving up. Nothing was worth getting so annoyed about.

Then it all happened and my life completely changed.

My journeying with God suddenly snapped into my focus. I was still in my living room but I could have been anywhere in the world. I felt more aware of everything around me than I ever had done before. The best way to describe it is that everything changed from black and white to full colour in a fraction of a second.
It was in that moment that God spoke to me for the first time. He told me to put it all down. He wasn't specific. He knew what I had to put down. He knew my heart. He knew me better than I knew myself and in that moment I knew it. I believed it. There was no question in my head, no doubt at all.

I let go.

As my senses expanded I could feel questions, walls, blocks, all kinds of things falling away from me. They were gone. Every stupid thing that I had placed an importance on, everything I put in front of God was washed away in seconds. It was then that I realised I was back in my living room. I felt completely different. I still feel completely different now. I think it was in that moment that God blessed me with spiritual discernment, not that I really understood it then. Not that I completely understand it now.
I honestly didn't know what to do in the first few hours after that. I guess I was feeling a mix of mind blowing excitement, sheer panic, and the need to go and shout about what had just happened to me to anyone I could find. I remember being really annoyed that my housemates were all out at that point.
Thankfully though God was wrapping me up tight. After the initial rush of emotions His peace came over me and I was able to accept my new life easier than anything I had ever experienced before.
I remember sitting down with my housemates Si and Andy and telling them what I now know to be my testimony. I still love telling this story. I think God loves me telling this story too. I just wish I could do it justice. No matter how much I try to pour into it I still fall so far short from expressing everything that was my first meeting with God.

I am blown away by what God did for me in that moment. Writing this I am stunned again at the enormity of the gift he gave me. I grew up with my back turned towards God. I spent 19 years trying to ignore him for it all to change in a matter of minutes. I know I will always remember my first meeting with God. I also think I know why I met him when I did. I think it's been important for me to experience life without God. I don't think I would be able to fully understand what life with God is really all about if I hadn't spent 19 years running away from him. I think I'm meant to reach the unchurched, the people turned away from religion and who are running away from God. The people that are looking but are too focused on the search. Above all I want to be what my friends at University were. I want to be there to listen. To speak the Gospel from the heart into the heart.

I want people to experience all that God is. I want people to be completely transformed and do you know what the most exciting part of all this is? It's that I know that it will happen. It's happening right now.

Man, I love my life.

Tidying up my desk.

blogging. where to begin? right now I guess is a good a place as any.

I am sitting at my desk in my little room looking at the two piles of papers, books and letters that I've been trying to organise for days. I hate how I seem to always have piles and piles of stuff just lying around. How does it happen? I should be more thankful that e-mail has been invented. If it wasn't for whoever created e-mail then I probably would have been killed in an avalanche of falling letters, notes, books and all kinds of junk mail that I somehow must have signed up for by becoming a teacher.

Anyway, that was completely off the point. Back to the two piles of work. I have managed to organise the work into two piles because, like my life, it seems to fit into one of two categories.

Pile one is Primary School Teacher pile. This pile has lesson planning, observation reports, assessment criteria and all the wonderful buzz words you can imagine. Fortunately, or unfortunately I love every geeky, stupid element of my job so I do quite like this pile. its making it hard to work out what to move off of the desk though.

Pile two is Church Worker, Kids Team Leader, Small Group Coordinator pile. I love all of this stuff too. Lists of people in LTG's, lists of those who want to be in one. Lists of email addresses and rotas filled with people who love Jesus and want to grow closer to him. I have three books half read buried in this pile also. Deep Church by Jim Belcher, The Great Revelation by Colin Urquhart and Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Damn, I can't get rid of any of this stuff either.

So, this also happens to be my predicament in life, not just what is taking up every square centimeter of my desk. How do I decide what to give up when I love both areas that absorb so much of my time? What's healthier? Limit an area of my life to let another flurish? Or keep going, having faith that God will move me into one direction?

There is a third pile on my desk. Its the smallest by far but certainly the most important. Its the place where my bible and prayer journal live. It also happens to be the place that holds the answer to my predicament.

Till next time.